It's Her Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

As most of you know, the little Princess had a birthday last Friday. This one was a big one and it is hitting me hard. On April 18th, my baby girl turned 3 years old. She has her party in two days, and I am not looking forward to it. Its almost as if the party doesn't happen, she won't grow a year older. This one was right up there with the first birthday in terms of my heartbreak. Most of my friends don't get it. But then again, most of my friends didn't teach 3 year old pre school for 6 years either. 

Three is officially the year that children go from babies to big kids. All traces of infancy are lost. And its true even in my own house where I have fought so hard to keep my little girl from growing up. She's gone from bottles to big cups and pampers to panties. Paci's are extinct and the crib has long since been packed away in the attic. The only remainder of her babyhood are the hundreds of pictures that thankfully cover my walls. Other than my family, they are my most cherished possession. Serving as a reminder of all the little memories that might have faded without them. . . how small she really was, the way she LOVED her bath but HATED drying off, her first smiles, the way she looked toothless and bald, and just how fat her cheeks really were. 

As much as I never want to forget, those things can be hard to remember now when I look at my skinny little girl with her wild curly hair, singing and running wildly around the living room in a desperate attempt to fight off sleep. 

Gone are the days of simply holding her tiny little body snugly against mine for hours. Now there are dogs to chase, tea parties to hold, friends to see, naps to avoid (ugh!), and barbies to buy. 

There are so many little things that I will miss about her infancy-carrying her around in her pouch, the way she put her butt in the air while she was sleeping, her little legs kicking 90 miles an hour in her baby bath , and that tiny baby smell that every mommy cherishes. I will miss it all.

But each day, she reminds me that there are so many new and exciting things to look forward to, to love, and to be thankful for. I love when I come home from anywhere and she screams out, "Mommy you're right back!" and runs arms wide open to hug me. 

I am astonished each day by her intelligence, imagination, and memory (just like her daddy). I love that she greets each day as a new and different princess.

It's amazing when she points to a word and says "Hey Mommy! Thats says ____!" or when she spouts off some little tidbit we didn't know she knew.

As much as I sometimes hate it, I love her determinedness and strength. (not loving it so much right this moment. . . .she is reminding me just how determined and strong she can be by refusing to go to nap unless she can go in her beautiful white Cinderella wedding gown.)

And there is no feeling in the world like the feel of her little arms wrapped so tightly around my neck as she whispers "I love you" into my ear. Or when she tells me I'm her best friend. 

I guess thats God's little gift to me, allowing me the ability to grieve for the little things I have lost by her growing up, while at the same time marveling at the wonderment that is her future. 

She doesn't really need me to hold her anymore, but she does still need me to hold her hand. And today, that is what I am most thankful for.

I've Created a Monster. . . .

help! I was almost transformed into a monster of the worst kind. . . . . .

As many of you know, growing up I ALWAYS wanted to take gymnastics and learn to tumble. (I still do, so if anybody out there knows of anyone who will teach a 30 yr old out of shape mom to do a back handspring, let me know!) But, that dream was never fulfilled bc someone (ah-hem, my dear daddy-love you though) did not think that cheerleading or gymnastics was a "real" sport. No need to go on a gymnast defending rant here guys, I know it IS indeed a real sport. Anyways, I always wanted to do it, so when I found out I was having a daughter, that of course was one of the first dreams I had about her future-sitting in the stands watching my little girl tumbling and cheering for a pee-wee football team; fast forward to the high school varsity squad. Her in her uniform, tumbling across the field as everyone comments on what a talented little tumbler she is.  It was beautiful . . . .I know, I dream big. But I actually did have another dream. . . basically the same as the first one except instead of cheering in high school, she is competing in the olympics-floor  and uneven bars of course. Told you I had at least some big dreams for her :)

Anyways, you can imagine my excitement a few weeks ago when she was FINALLY old enough to start gymnastics class. Really, it felt like a really awesome birthday and she was my best present. In we walked, me proud as a peacock, chest out and head high as I presented my future olympic gold medalist, fully outfitted in her little black "letatard", hair in pig tails Nadia  Comaneci style, and tripping over her own feet in her excitement to get to "dymnastics cwass." It was GREAT!

This week (her 3rd class) was just as good. She was still super excited and so was I. She was eagerly doing anything and everything coach Cindy asked of her, and I was so proud! All "olympic dreams" kidding aside, I really did hope she loved gymnastics. Its a great sport. It teaches poise and self confidence, and keeps a person in really great shape-good no matter what you want to do in life! Plus, it is something I always wanted to do, and admittedly. I selfishly kinda wanted to live vicariously though her. Mostly though, I just wanted her to have a good time, find something she is good at, and gain a little confidence. And then it happened. . . . .just as I am being able to put my olympic dreams for her aside, and settle on her simply having fun, one of the other parents says to me," WOW!! You're daughter is REALLY taking to this stuff! You can see even now that she will be great at it if she keeps it up!" At that moment I could feel myself morphing. I went from, "gee, I just want her to have a good time. Make some new friends. Maybe do this as a hobby" to "Oh My GA! Are you serious?? She could be great? What is the number to legendary gymnastics coach Bella Karolyi? We need to start a training regiment!"

I went from "oh look her her cute, clumsy little front roll!" to "are her toes pointed? did she stick her landing (off the 4in high balance beam)?" I became a crazy fanatical mom!

And as my beaming little Dorothy Hamill came skipping over to me after class, she reminded me just what a reality my dreams were. . . as she tripped over a mat and fell flat on her face. 

Talk about a reality check!

The thought of it now makes me smile. I don't care if my baby grows up to be a world famous gymnast, or even if she doesn't want to cheer (pleeeeease please ppleeeease want to cheer). I just want her to be her, in all of her perfect, imperfect cuteness. I just want her to be happy, and I want to at least give her the opportunity to try and succeed at the things she dreams of doing. No matter what they are.

but don't you think cheerleading looks like a lot of fun??. . . . . or maybe the uneven bars?

She's in Love With a Boy

It's happened. She's in love. And he's an older man. A much older man. 17yrs older to be exact. She discovered his charm this weekend, and that was the beginning of a new love affair. She followed him around like a puppy, much to her aunt Mary's dismay. "Mr. J can you hold me?" she'd ask while batting her innocent blue eyes up at him. Of course he can! Who can turn that down? 

She soaked in his every move. He captivated her with manly things like tying his shoes and kicking a soccer ball. He was entrancing.

I'm not real sure how to feel about this. Its her first crush. How's a mom supposed to feel. . ?

But. . . . .

I must say that the girls got good taste. He's tall (taller than her anyway), dark, and handsome. He's an athlete.  He's a sweetheart. And, I have always been a supporter of the "older man". I guess it could be worse.

We're ALLLLLL gonna DIE!!!!!

Its official. The government is trying to kill us all. Actually, they don't want us to die. They want us to be really sick and need tons and tons of medicine so that they can rape us on the cost! Its proven in their lack of quality control and safety standards when it comes to our food and our beauty products. 

In my quest to go greener, I came across an article about plastics and how deadly they are. How they are sitting seemingly harmless there in the fridge, but all the while they are leaking deadly toxins into our food and drink! Oh and don't even think about putting anything plastic in the microwave! You'll be dead before dinner!

Then there is this list, a list, of the different types of plastics that are considered safe and the ones that are going to kill you. Its determined by the number that is on the bottom of the plastic object/container. Of course, after reading this article, I immediately had to scour my house to see how good of a job I was doing at slowly poisoning my family through plastics. Apparently, I am an awesome plastic hit-man!! Everything in my house seemed to have the bad number on it! So after ridding all of my cabinets of millions of dollars worth of valuable tupperware, I headed to the fridge. And there it was again! I am telling you, it is a freaking miracle that my children are still alive today!! Just about all of our little "snack- pack" items were in the dreaded #7 plastics. For those of you not familiar with the dangers of plastics, do a little research on good ol' plastic #7, that stuff will kill you! I'm amazed that its legal to put ANYTHING in plastic #7, much less anything that is to be ingested. Its madness! The "greatest" thing I learned was that Mott's applesauce, you know, the kind you put in your kids lunch box everyday of their life, the kind that claims to be so wholesome and good for you, comes in a plastic #7 container!!! No kidding. (Del Monte fruit cups do too, just FYI) Also, many of my new improved organic foods are in #7 too!! Are you kidding me!!??? You are charging me $5 a tub for organic sour cream because the non organic kind is full of poisons since the cows that made the milk that made the sour cream ate grass that had pesticides on it!!! Thats fine. Great! But then you put it in a plastic container that has been proven to leak toxins into the product!!! Does that seem a bit twisted or is it just me???

So now, along with my list of safe shampoos and soaps (don't want death by Sulfates), unsafe food additives (everything under under the sun is linked to glutens, froctuse, MSG, etc, etc), chlorine free detergents, and toxin free cleaners, I NOW have to carry a list of safe plastics to the grocery with me! Christ, I practically need a folder just to keep up with whats ok to buy! Is NOTHING safe anymore???? I'm going to have to become a mennonite or something! Grow all my own organic food and cotton to make my own clothes. Raise my own hormone free, organic livestock, and build my house out of bamboo!! I think thats going to be the only way to keep us from getting 50 different types of cancer and ADHD, and Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's, and. . . . . . I can't remember what else. But I can assure you, its bad!  

Now for what the Little Princess has been up to:

I can tell you what she HASN'T been up to: SLEEPING!!

Last night it took 2.5 hrs to get the monster to sleep. I am really not sure what is going on. She was sleeping so SO great, and then it stopped. Then great again for a couple of weeks, and now we are back to no sleeping. She is up BY 7:30 every morning which is HORRIBLE!! It makes her in such a foul mood. Its horrible. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what it is I have done to upset Karma so much as to deserve this.

On a positive note, she went to her first Gymnastics and Ballet classes last week. It was quite possibly the cutest thing ever! In the gymnastics class they were actually learning real skills, which I was impressed with. (I have seen so many gymnastics classes that were such a rip off at this age! This was not one of them). Every piece of equipment was authentic, but it was MINIATURE!!!!! CUUUTTTEE!!!!!! She walked across the balance beam with her little arms out-stretched for balance. And they even had a bar for her to flip over!!! It was only about 3 feet off the ground and OMGAAA it was freaking adorable!! I took what pictures I could but gym lights are not really conducive to pictures.

After gymnastics class came Ballet lessons. She was in HEAVEN!!! I really conned her into gymnastics only by promising Ballet class afterwards. So when it was finally time, she was beside herself with excitement. Mommies were not allowed inside Ballet lessons; we had to watch on a tv monitor outside of the classroom. It was killing me not to be able to take pictures! 5 little girls in pink tutus and ballet slippers dancing and twirling is a photo op if I've ever seen one!!! Bella is the youngest  in the class by at least a year, and also the smallest by at least half a foot. Which only makes watching her a billion times cuter! She was my tiny dancer in a class of big girl ballerinas, doing her best to mimic their plies. Watching her, I had one of those "OMG I have the cutest kid in the entire world" mommy moments that we all have. It was all I had not to stand up and say "wow, don't you guys wish YOUR little girls were as cute as MINE???!" HA!!! Don't scoff-you know you've had that moment too!

When it was over, she was instantly asking to go again. I knew she would. She lives to be a ballerina. . .well a ballerina Princess to be exactly correct, so this was a dream come true for her. 

What I want to be

ok well since I haven't blogged in so long, there is quite a bit to catch everyone up on. . . .

where to start, where to start. . . . 

I guess I will start with me.

Most importantly I guess, my photography "career" seems to slowly but surely be taking off thanks to a good friend who has been serving as my unofficial booking agent. I shot her daughter's birthday party which was a lot of fun, and then I did a book signing for a local newspaper. That was pretty nerve wracking I must admit!

I also have a couple of bookings for later this spring. I so excited that this is all happening, but it is really scary!! Most of the pictures I've taken have just been here at home, playing around with the camera-no pressure! So to have an actual event that I HAVE to get great pics of is crazy stressful!!! But so far I have gotten really good feedback, so I am pretty proud of myself! Its made me really think about the kind of photographer I want to be. You know in the movies when it shows the cute couple all in love and they have that montage scene of all their great pictures together, laughing and playing, and going about their day, like they have their own personal photographer following them to document their daily life ?? Well thats what I want to be. I want to take pictures of people's everyday moments. Feeding their baby, washing the dog, playing at the park. I don't want fancy outfits and poses in my pictures. I want people to be able to look back through the photographs I've taken and remember THAT moment, the way things were then. For instance, this morning Bella was helping me make my bed, and I thought it would be so great if someone were here to capture that moment. It was adorable watching her try to pull up those big heavy covers! She was so cute with her little self barely tall enough to reach them, but trying to be such a big helper for mommy. Those are the moments I want to capture for everyone else. The ones that you look back on and smile at the memory. Like a secret photographer catching those moments that may seem insignificant now, but will be the most cherished later on.

AHHHHH!!!!!

Stupid technology! I have been locked out of blog for some unknown reason for the past 3 weeks!!! Then today, somehow, I magically unlocked the secret code to get back in!

Whoohoo!! So to all my faithful readers. . . .I look forward to your comments again!